When someone you love has been murdered, life can feel like it has been shattered in an instant. Nothing is the same again. Our hopes, plans, and world as we knew it, instantly changed. And it was completely out of our control. You didn't choose this. You can't undo what happened. The justice system may feel painfully slow, or there may never be the answers you desperately need. The future can feel uncertain, and some days it seems like everything is beyond your control. While you can't change what happened, there are still a few things that are yours. 1. You Can Control Your Next Step You don't have to know how you'll survive the next day, week, month, or year. You only have to focus on today . Maybe your next step is getting out of bed and going outside for a few minutes. Attending your support group. Calling a friend. Using your healthy resources. Healing doesn't happen all at once. It happens one small step at a time. 2. You Can Control How You Care for Yourself Grief is exhausting, right? It is hard emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Permit yourself to rest. Eat something nourishing. Cry when you need to. Set boundaries when you're overwhelmed. Ask for help without guilt. Taking care of yourself isn't forgetting your loved one. It's making sure you have the strength to carry their memory forward. Set boundaries that are not rooted in avoidance 3. You Can Control Where You Place Your Focus Your mind may constantly replay the tragedy, the unanswered questions, or the "what ifs." While those thoughts are understandable, they don't have to be the only place you live. Alongside the pain, make room for your loved one's smile, their laugh, their favorite stories, and the love that still connects you. The tragedy is part of their story, but it is not the whole story. There will always be things outside of your control after a murder loss. But every day, you still have choices. One small step. One act of self-care. One moment of remembering love alongside loss. Those choices won't erase your grief, but they can help you find your footing again, one day at a time. What is one small thing you've been able to control this week, even in the middle of your grief?

When the Answers Don't Come One of the hardest parts of losing a child (anyone) to violence and murder is living with unanswered questions. You may wonder why it happened, who knows more than they're saying, or if justice will ever come. Those questions matter. Wanting answers doesn't make you weak or unhealed; it makes you human. But while justice may bring accountability, it cannot bring your loved one back or erase the pain we must live with. Healing doesn't begin when the case is solved. It begins in the small choices we make each day to keep living, even while carrying grief. Today, ask yourself one simple question: "What is one thing I can do today that helps me live, not just survive?" Maybe it's taking a walk, calling a friend, eating a meal, praying, or allowing yourself to laugh without guilt. You don't have to stop hoping for justice. You also don't have to wait for it before choosing to live. Both can exist at the same time. Allow them to.

Their death will always be the greatest sadness of our lives, but that doesn't mean we have to live a sad life. As a mother who has lost a child, you may wonder if healing means forgetting. You may worry that if you laugh again, enjoy life again, or find happiness again, you are somehow leaving your child behind. But healing is not forgetting. The death of your child may always be the greatest sadness of your life. It is a loss that changes you forever. The love you have for your child does not end, and neither does the impact they have on your heart. Yet two things can be true at the same time. You can miss your child every day and still experience joy. You can carry grief and still find purpose. You can love your child deeply while continuing to live fully. Many grieving mothers struggle with guilt when moments of happiness return. It can feel wrong to smile, laugh, or dream about the future when someone so important is missing. But your love for your child is not measured by how much pain you carry. Love is measured by the bond that continues, even after death. Living a meaningful life does not dishonor your child. It honors the love you shared. You do not have to choose between grieving and living. Their death may always be the greatest sadness of your life, but it does not have to become the whole story. You are still allowed to laugh. You are still allowed to hope. You are still allowed to dream.  And you are still allowed to build a life that holds both deep sorrow and deep love.

As a new month begins, you may notice mixed emotions. I don't think it takes a new month to feel those emotions. Some people feel hopeful and motivated. Others feel tired, overwhelmed, or discouraged that healing isn’t happening as quickly as they hoped. Wherever you find yourself today, it’s okay. Because that is grief, up and down, side to side. Healing isn’t measured by how productive you are or how much progress you make in a month. Sometimes healing looks like getting through a difficult day, reaching out for support, setting a boundary, or simply giving yourself permission to rest. This month, consider adding one new coping resource to your toolbox. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Maybe it’s taking a short walk, spending five minutes in prayer or mindfulness, journaling before bed, listening to calming music, or talking with someone you trust, lowering comparison to others. You don’t need an entirely new version of yourself. You need the next small step. As always, remember that support is available. Healing happens in connection, not isolation. Be gentle with yourself this month. Growth often happens in ways we can’t immediately see. One day at a time is all we have.

One thing I have learned from working with mothers of great loss, survival is sometimes all they have. Losing a child to violence changes everything. Some days may feel unbearable. Other days may feel numb. You may cry one moment and feel completely disconnected the next. BUT None of this means you are grieving “wrong.” Sometimes survival itself is enough. Start Smaller Than You Think In deep grief, even simple things can feel hard. Instead of focusing on getting through the week, try focusing on the next small step: drink some water (yes, water) step outside for a moment eat something simple answer one text rest when you can (pausing helps) Small things still matter. Grief Does Not Move in a Straight Line Some days, the pain may feel lighter. Other days, it may feel fresh all over again. That does not mean you are moving backward. Birthdays, holidays, songs, or memories can bring the grief back unexpectedly. Be gentle with yourself when they do. You Do Not Have to Be Strong All the Time Many grieving mothers try to carry everyone else while hiding their own pain. But you are allowed to need support too. You are allowed to say: “I’m struggling today.” “I need help.” “I don’t have the energy right now.” Needing support is human. Coping Does Not Mean Forgetting Healing does not mean leaving your child behind. You can continue loving and remembering your child while also learning how to care for yourself again. Some mothers find comfort in: journaling lighting candles looking through photos speaking their child’s name spending time with safe people There is no right way to remember someone you love. On the Hardest Days When the grief feels overwhelming, try to focus only on the next hour instead of the future. Breathe. Rest. Cry if you need to. Reach out to someone safe. You do not have to figure everything out today. A Final Reminder Your child mattered. Your grief makes sense. And even in the middle of unimaginable pain, you deserve care, support, and gentleness too.

Mother’s Day can feel like it belongs to everyone else when you’re grieving. The world is full of flowers, celebrations, and expectations we cannot escape, and meanwhile, your heart may feel heavy, quiet, or even numb. If this is you, you’re not alone. Grief and love live in the same place. The depth of your pain reflects the depth of your connection. Whether you’re a mother missing your child, a daughter missing your mom, or holding both at once, this weekend may bring waves. Let them come. You don’t have to rush through them or make the day look a certain way. It’s okay to do Mother’s Day differently. It is okay to be honest about your heartbreak. You might choose to keep it simple, or you might also need distraction, rest, or space from it all. There is no “right” way to move through this day, only what feels most needed for you. If joy finds you, even briefly, you are allowed to hold that too. Love doesn’t disappear in grief; it changes shape. Sometimes it shows up as tears, sometimes as quiet strength to keep moving, and sometimes as a small moment of peace you didn’t expect. This coming Mother's Day, be compassionate to yourself. Lower expectations. Say no when you need to. Say yes to what brings even a little comfort. Surround yourself with people who understand and see you. Most of all, remember this: You are still a mother. You are still deeply connected to the love you carry. And that love has not been lost.

People often believe that when there is finally justice, an arrest, a trial, a sentence, there will also be peace. That somehow, after all the waiting, something inside will settle. But in my clinical and advocacy experiences, this is rarely the case. In this, there is a truth we need to talk more about. A sentence can hold someone accountable. It can validate what happened. It can matter deeply. BUT it cannot bring your loved one back. It cannot undo the loss, the trauma, or the years spent waiting for answers. And when that long-awaited moment finally arrives, many are left feeling… not at peace, but overwhelmed, numb, or even empty. I am often asked why this is so complicated. Here is a thought: After years of bracing, we need to acknowledge that two things can and are true at once. We may feel: Relief and grief at the same time Anger that still lingers Numbness instead of closure (this is an illusion anyway) Guilt, especially knowing other families didn’t get justice None of this is wrong. It means your love is still here. It means the loss is still real. The idea of “closure” can feel comforting, but murder loss doesn’t work that way. You close a case, but not the life lost.  Instead, healing becomes about learning how to carry both the love and the loss, without expecting one moment, even justice, to resolve it all. Justice matters. It truly does. BUT it’s not a cure, and our healing was never meant to depend on it.

My son is a powerlifter. My daughter is a scientist. We travel around the country chasing their dreams. Without fail, precious, kindred souls are placed directly in our path. Conversations are started, common ground is established, then we realize another commonality: the murder of a loved one. Quietly, we find a place to sit and unpack and share our stories. Contact information is shared along with tears and hugs. We find comfort in total strangers who have experienced similar horrors and debilitating grief. There is zero coincidence in these meetings. It’s a feeling, intuition, vulnerability that pulls like a magnet. Every encounter brings peace and comfort. We call it ‘networking’. Some of these strangers have become ‘framily’ (friends who are family). We call and text one another on anniversaries and birthdays, and are present to listen when no one else truly understands the grief and pain. I am forever grateful. -Claire Cunningham

There are parts of grief we expect, at least as much as we can expect something so life-altering. But there are parts no one really talks about. The part I wasn’t prepared for is this: losing one parent, and then watching the other slowly decline as I continue to age. This year, my mom has had some physical issues and mental changes, too. It’s the subtle shifts. The moments where things feel different. The realizations that things are not what they once were. That kind of grief is layered. It’s not just about loss, it’s about anticipatory loss. It’s loving someone while also grieving what’s changing right in front of you. It’s holding memories of who they’ve been, while trying to stay present with who they are now.  And if I’m honest, it’s heavy. Yet there is gratitude because she is here while my dad is not. After all, underneath it all is this quiet awareness: as I get older, she is who we have left. That thought doesn’t always come loudly. Sometimes it just sits in the background. Other times, it hits all at once. If you’re walking through something similar, this kind of grief can feel isolating because it’s not always visible to others, and we don’t have to carry it alone.